CONTEMPLATIONS OF A SENIOR *My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today. I used to have some immunity built up; but, obviously, there is a new strain out there.

*as I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of . . . it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

*Sorry, I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

*Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

*Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think “That can’t be accurate.”

*I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

*God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then, he made the earth round . . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

*Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time,” isn’t the correct response.

*Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery. The GPS blurted out “You have reached your final destination.”

*My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

*Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m still alive.

—CC— My good friend Tom Adams sent me the following test. I will not tell you how I did. I hope you will take it. It was a lot of fun . . .

MENTAL ABILITY TEST.

1. If you went to bed at 8:00 at night and set the alarm to get up at 9:00 in the morning how many hours sleep would you get, using an old style alarm.

2. Do they have a 4th of July in England.

3. How many birthdays does the average person have 4. Why can’t a man living in Winston Salem, NC be buried in a spot west of the Mississippi River.

5. If you had only one match & entered a room in which there were a kerosene lamp, an oil heater & a wood burning stove, which would you light first?

6. Some months have 30 days and some have 31 days. How many have 28 days?

7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every half hour how long would they last?

8. A man builds a house with 4 sides to it and it is rectangular, each side has a southern exposure. A big bear walks by. What color is the bear?

9. How far can a dog run into the woods.

10. What four words appear on every denomination of United States Coins?

11. How many outs are there in a baseball inning?

12. I have in my hand only two United States coins which total to 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. Please bear that in mind. What are the two coins left? 13. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left? 14. Divide 30 by ½ and add 10. What is the answer? 15. Two men were playing checkers, each played 5 games. If each won the same number of games, no draws, how do you figure this? 16. Take two apples from three apples what do you have? 17. An archeologist claims to have found some coins of gold that were dated 46 BC. Do you really think he did? 18. A woman gives a beggar 60 cents. The woman is the beggar’s sister but the beggar is not the woman’s brother. How come? 19. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the ark with him? 20. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widows sister? 21. Which is correct—6 & 7 are eleven or 6 + 7 is eleven? 15 or more correct---Genius 10-14 correct---Normal 9-10 correct---subnormal 8 or less---idiot The answers are at the end of this column. —CC— — CC— Herearetheanswerstothequiz... 1.1 hour.Thekeytothisis“ usinganoldstylealarm.”Thisisweird. AnoldstylealarmsupposedlycouldnottellA.M.fromP.M.So,ifyou setthealarmat8 PMitwouldringinanhourat9 PM.Ouroldclock’s alarmwentoffabout5 or6 AMbutmaybewedidn’tsetituntillatthe previousnight.Myparentscontrolledtheclock,I didn’tworryoverit. 2.Yes,buttheydonotcelebratetheirIndependenceonthatday. 3.Onlyone... allothersareanniversaries. 4.He’sLIVINGeastoftheMississippi.Youdon’tBURYlivingmen. 5.Thematch. 6.ALLofthemhave28days. 7.1 HOUR.Example:Takeoneatnoon,anotherat12:30pmand thelastoneat1 pm.Youareoutofpills. 8.Whiteasinpolarbear.Anotherweirdone.Theonlyplaceonearth onecouldbuilda housewithallfoursidesfacingSouthintheNorth Pole.Thatis,unlessa grizzly,panda,koalaoranotherspeciesgotlost andwanderedthere. 9.ONLYonehalfway.Ifherunsanymore,he’srunningOUTofthe woods. 10.INGODWETRUST 11.6.3 inthetopoftheinningand3 inthebottom. 12.50centsand5 cents.True,oneisnota nickel,buttheotherone is. 13.9.Readslowly:ALLBUT9 DIED.Leavinghim9 left. 14.70.AbouttheonlythingI learnedinmath;whenyoudivideby fractions,youinvertthedivisorandmultiply.Thus2X 30= 60divided by1 isstill60.Add10to60andyouhave70.Simple,isn’tit? 15.Theydidnotplayeachother. 16.2 have,nothaveleft 17.No.ThecalendarhadnotdividedBCandAD,hencenoreference point. 18.Thebeggaristhewoman’ssister. 19.Onlyone. 20.NO.Ifa manleavesa widowhemustbedead.Deadpeople cannotmarry. 21.NEITHER.6&7 are13,not11. Tomsaid,“ ThisMENTALABILITYTESTwasgiventomebya friendwhoreceiveditfromhisbrother-in-lawwhenhewasa teenager. ItwasmadeupbysomeAirForcemenstationedatPerrinAFBduring theKoreanWar.Theyhadtimeontheirhandssotheyconcoctedthis test.Areyoua GENIUS,NORMAL,SUBNORMAL,ORANIDIOT? MyfriendwasanIDIOTwhenhefirsttookit.I wasa bitbetter: SUBNORMAL.”