COUNTRY COMMENTS

Quote of the week . . .“It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.”

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Some of the most interesting stories I have run across this past week.

LOL: The animal rights group PETA launched a new campaign designed to remove some common animal-related idioms from the English language. CBS News reports the group tweeted suggested alterations to phrases it says are verbal vestiges of “speciesism” and perpetuate harmful messages. PETA offers these alternatives: For “bring home the bacon,” try “bring home the bagels.” “Take the bull by the horns” should be “take the flower by the thorns.” And “kill two birds with one stone” morphs into “feed two birds with one scone.” PETA likened the use of the original phrases to racist and homophobic language: “Phrases that trivialize cruelty to animals will vanish as more people begin to appreciate animals for who they are.” Reaction on social media was swift. Maybe PETA should have let sleeping bags lie.

CRIME REPORT—In north College Hills, Ohio, Noel Hines’ criminal love for Thin Mints fi nally caught up with her when she was arrested for stealing “a large order of Girl Scout cookies,” Fox News reported. North College Hill police said Hines took delivery of the cookies, valued at more than $1,600 and intended for a local Girls Scout troop, and never returned or paid for them. When Hines showed up at the town’s Mayors Court on an unrelated matter, police arrested her, then posted on Facebook, “That’s the way the cookie crumbles.”

SCROOGED—An unnamed substitute teacher in Montville, New Jersey, won’t be returning to Cedar Hill School after revealing a sacred secret to fi rst-grade students there on Nov. 29. Superintendent Rene Rovtar told NJ.com that the sub got into a debate with a student about whether Santa is real. That’s when the 6-year-old started quizzing her about the Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy and Elf on a Shelf, and the teacher “proceeded to debunk all of it,” Rovtar said. Parents reported doing “damage control” after the kids returned home from school, and the sub is no longer welcome in the district.

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Jon Winokur shares some of his favorite quotes in childhood. . .

“There are three terrible ages of childhood—1 to 10, 10-20, and 20-30.

Cleveland Amory.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Phyllis Diller

You never know what you’re going to get, and children have their own personalities immediately. I was watching little kids on a carousel. Some kids were jumping on the horses; some kids were afraid of horses; some kids were betting on the horses.

Rita Rudner

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Speaking of children, every parent wants the best for his “gifted” child. Many parents will go to great lengths to get their child in the “right” school, even beginning at the kindergarten level.

Here is a letter to prospective parents about an “application process” to one “Special” school.

Dear Prospective Parents,

Welcome to the New Brunswick Lower School Admissions Process. Although only a few stellar applicants will be granted entrance to our 2019 kindergarten class, we will do our part to make the process a positive one.

Before filling out the enclosed application, please check to ensure the packet is complete. The sections are as follows: Biography and Family, Academics, Medical History, Socialization and Leadership, Interests and Aptitudes, Publications and Personal Essay.

Along with the completed application, six copies of a recent 4X6 head-shot and a preliminary, nonrefundable fee of $5,000, we require three reference letters, each from a living non-relative, and preferably those who have known and observed your child in a variety of settings over the past five years ie., karate instructor, pre-K teacher, swim coach, mindfulness mentor, spiritual guide or muse. Make certain the letters include full contact information as we do spot check all references.

Each reference letter should be mailed in a sealed #10 envelope directly to our Director of Admissions. In anticipation of your question, these letters need not be notarized. If, however, we find that one bad apple begins to spoil the whole bunch, we will require notarization in the future. We will keep you posted on any changes to our policy.

Please encourage those writing reference letters to dig more deeply than they would for a child who is not New Brunswick Academy material. Statements about your child’s bright smile” and “pleasant disposition” will carry less weight than comments indicating a more thorough knowledge of your child’s temperament, unique athletic skills, avid interests and overall academic and social strengths.

The Socialization segment deserves more attention than it usually receives. We want students ready to lean in, get up, stand up, be best, and pay it forward. The days when a brilliant intellectual can get a PhD and live happily ever after in an ivory tower are long gone. A Brunswick graduate will be able to climb the steps of Wall Street, the Met, a Broadway stage, the Capitol or Trump Tower with equal speed, grace and agility. The fact that little Johnny speaks when spoken to and plays well with others does not affect us as much as does the knowledge that he is able to order a Lyft to get himself picked up from school if need be, perform CPR on his grandmother, or carry his own while conversing at an Open House with people of all ages, genders, and diverse cultural backgrounds. At New Brunswick, learning is, above all, relational.

Part of our application that often receives short shrift is the “Publications” section. Now, we don’t expect every little Dick, Jane and Sally to have an extensive list of book or article publications. That being said, we honestly don’t care to see copies of handwritten thank you notes to Nana written at your urging, and doubtless with your assistance. Our application process is, to an extent, aspirational. So please respond honestly. If there are no currently published works, a simple “n/a” will do. Helpful hint: students who are not asked to join our New Brunswick family for kindergarten, may be re-interviewed and considered for admission to the Primary School Program. Publications will again be requested, and it is never too early to prepare your child for a long and, we hope, successful life ahead.

This brings us to your child’s 500-word personal essay. You should be aware that the essay may prove to be a singular deal breaker. The Essay is your child’s chance to shine. Although we want your child’s work to be his or her own, it is recommended that you pay close attention to matters of word choice, grammar, spelling and punctuation. Although we expect you to proofread and offer guidance on the mechanics of the essay, our Admissions Committee has years of expertise in distinguishing the narrative style of a five-year-old from your own. In plain words, do not write your child’s essay. Review and offer minor corrections as we presume you do on a daily basis regarding both your child and all things academic.

Did you happen to notice a small joker stamped on the back corner of the application packet? If so, you’re experiencing first hand a touch of whimsy we’ve added to this year’s admissions process. A joker stamped on your packet means you have won a “Wild Card” and the chance to include another attachment of your choosing. This may be an additional reference letter, one from a doting alumni Pop Pop perhaps, a photo of the family trekking down Machu Picchu with Emma in the lead, or perhaps a link to a new game your child has coded and made available in both English and Mandarin. Surprise us!

We at New Brunswick believe there is no greater thrill for a child and his family than to be granted a spot in our kindergarten class. Take the Application Process seriously to optimize a favorable outcome. If we fi nd that your child falls short of our expectations, our Step-down Staff will offer recommendations of other institutions better suited to his or her academic needs. A list of highly-trained counselors is available should your child be declined and exhibit signs of insufficiency, low self-esteem, twitches or rash.

Thank you for reaching out, and make sure your child’s application is postmarked on or before his or her fi fth birthday. A short list of acceptances will be available on our website on May one. A position on our wait list may be secured upon your request and the receipt of an additional $5,000 non-refundable holding fee. All decisions are fi nal and it is rare that we have openings in the middle of the school year; however, a spot on our wait list may prove effi cacious in raising your child’s EQ (Elitism Quotient) and may result in entry to the primary grades here at New Brunswick.

Once your application is complete, we will schedule an interview with your child. Comfortable clothing, no tutus, ties or starched button-downs should be worn, as the process may be grueling. Thank you for your patience as we consider possible admission for that bright little wonder of yours.

Most Sincerely,

The New Brunswidk

Admissions Team

Billie Little/Funny

Times

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And last of all my favorite story of the week . . .

“I’m really worried,” said one teenage to another. “Dad slaves away at his job so I’ll never want for anything and so I can go to college. Mom spends every day washing and ironing and cleaning up after me, and she takes care of me when I’m sick.” “So, what are you worried about?” “I’m afraid they might try to escape!”