FUN THOUGHTS

I choked on a carrot this morning, and all I could think of was, “I’ll bet a doughnut wouldn’t have done this to me. “

It only takes one slowwalking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick out one of your own. I know that now.

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Sir, you need to leave!”

One thing no one ever talks about, when it comes to being an older adult, is how much time we devote to keeping a cardboard box because it is, you know, a really good box.

I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s seven years in a row now.

I like to make grocery lists. I also like to leave them lying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list when I’m at the store.

Ask your doctor if a drug with 32 pages of side effects is bad for you.

I relabeled all of the jars in my wife’s spice rack. I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

I love bacon. Sometimes I eat it twice a day. It takes my mind off the terrible chest pains I keep getting.

I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. I asked another and he also said, “I’ll see,” and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and think, “That can’t be accurate!”?

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

I just burned 1,200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.

I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they’ve never even seen one of his paintings.