“THE MINISTRY”

A preacher said to a farmer, “Do you belong to the Christian family/” “No,” he said, “they live two farms down.”

“No, I mean are you lost?”

“No, I’ve been here thirty years.”

“I mean, are you ready for Judgement Day?”

“When is it?” “Could be today or tomorrow.”

“Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!” Call to another Church

A pastor places his order at the pet store. “I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get.”

The clerk replies, “We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?”

The pastor replies, “I’ve accepted a call to another church and the pastor’s council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it.”

Farewell Offering

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn’t flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, “I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation.”

Holy Communion

Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, “If the Holy Spirit won’t move you…the prune juice will!” Hot Air Hand Dryers My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there, he saw a sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

—CC—

I have tremendous respect and admiration for missionaries. I have two very dear friends and their families that have served overseas for many years. They are in very dangerous areas.

Since late February, Haiti has seen an increase in coordinated gang violence, which has resulted in the deaths of many – including missionaries Davy and Natalie Lloyd.

After they married in June 2022, the Lloyd’s began working with Missions in Haiti (MIH), a non-profit founded by Davy’s parents in 2000.

During a youth group event in May, multiple gangs ambushed and pillaged the churchgoers. Davy, Natalie, and Judes Montis, who was the local director of MIH, were killed during the attack.

An MIH representative explained that no one really understood what the gangs were doing or exactly what took place, except that the gangs were in “full attack mode.”

Missionaries are very important to our church and family. They need our prayers and support.

—CC—

Near-daily marijuana usage surpasses alcohol consumption New research from the National Survey on Drug Use and Health headquartered in Jacksonville, Florida, baptized 1,614 people at Hanna Park Beach on Sunday, May 5th. With almost 500 more participants than the churches previous baptismal service, thousands of friends, family, and church members gathered together to watch one of the largest beach baptisms in national history.

Pastor Joby Martin and his wife Gretchen founded the church in 2012 in an abandoned Walmart building. Martin described the event as one of his congregation’s most significant days in its 12-year history. He was ecstatic that so many people chose to make a public commitment to glorify God through surrender to His Son Jesus.

“It doesn’t get much better than that,” declared Martin. “The church is alive and well. The spirit of God is on the move and the gospel of Jesus Christ is still changing lives as it has for thousands of years.”

—CC—

And last of all, my favorite item of the week… Voice Mail in Heaven Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following: Thank you for calling heaven.

For English press 1 For Spanish press 2 For all other languages, press 3 Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for request Press 2 for thanksgiving Press 3 for complaints Press 4 for all others I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to: God, press 1 Jesus, press 2 Holy Spirit, press 3 To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security number followed by the pound sign. If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code 666. For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3:16. For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics. Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you and have a heavenly day.

Pass this on if you wish to brighten someone’s day