A Sardonic Senior Might S a y . . .

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but hacking everyone off is a piece of cake.

I'm responsible for what I say, now what you understand. Common sense in like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there’s a new strain out there.

It’s not my age that bothers me; it’s the side effects. I’m not saying I’m old and worn out, but I make sure I’m sowhere near the curb on trash day.

As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, I’m sure of one thing: It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

Me, sobbing: “I can’t see you anymore . . . I’m not going to let you hurt me again,” My Trainer: “It was one sit-up.”

As I’ve gotten older, people think I’ve become lazy. The truth is I’m just being more energy efficient. I haven’t gotten anything done today. I’ve been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

Turns out that being a “senior” is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then he made the earth round . . . and laughed and laughed and laughed.

I’m on two diets. I wasn’t getting enough food on one. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation “Maybe next time” isn’t the correct response.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.

So you’ve been eating hot dogs and McChickens all your life, but you won’t take the vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it. Are you kidding me?

Sometimes the Universe puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a moron.

There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

—CC— It is no longer in print but one of my favorite magazines use to be Mental Floss. Here is an interesting article I clipped from one of their last editions.

6 Barnyard Animals And How They Came To Be 1. Chicken. Nearly 10,000 years ago roosters and hens were creatures to be feared. Wild junglefowl prowled the bamboo forests of Southeast Asia, and the birds were anything but chicken. They fought pythons, attacked wildcats and nested in canopies high above the ground. Then, around 5000 BE, bored humans started nabbing the birds and brought them to villages for entertainment. The aves weren’t for eating, but instead for cockfighting and fortunetelling, (Cambodia’s Khmer people still use chickens as oracles today.) Over time, selective breeding fattened the birds and made them complacent, while a gene mutation caused them to start laying eggs all year long.

2. Cows. Every single one of the 1.5 billion cows on the planet descended from a small herd domesticated in Iran 10,500 years ago. These 80 Iranian cows were no ordinary livestock. They were aurochs, giant nowextinct cattle that ruled the continent for 2 million years. At nearly 7 feet tall, aurochs dwarfed today’s dairy cows. And they were incredibly aggressive. Every attempt to tame Continued Page 15 them failed until nomadic societies in the Levant settled down and somehow managed to get the beasts to help till the land. The last aurochs went extinct in the 1620s, but scientists from the Third Reich tried unsuccessfully to bring them back in the 1930s. (This was before people had learned the lessons of Jurassic Park 1-3).

3. Horses. Have you ever milked a horse? Your ancestors did. When horses were first being domesticated in the Eurasian Steppe 6,000 years ago, they were treated more like cattle—as a source of meat and milk. In Mongolia, fermented mare’s milk—called airag or kumis—is still a delicacy.

4. Pegs. All it took to woo the Euroasian wild boar was the promise of leftovers. About 9,000 years ago in Iraq, villagers realized swine could be lured and then corralled by the scent of garbage. This proved much easier than hunting them in the wild. The four-legged trash cans cleaned up the community and provided meat in return. Not every culture was so enamored of bacon, though. In parts of India and China, domestic pigs were given the less glamorous job of cleaning up under latrines.

5. Goats. Ten thousand years ago, people in what is now Iran stopped hunting the bezoar ibex and started breading it. Just like that, goats became the Swiss Army Knife of domestic animals. They were a regular source of meat and milk, their dung made excellent fuel, their sinews were handy for sewing, their hide was later stretched into parchment, and their bones were fitted tools. Notably, the bezoar was also domesticated for its mystical qualities: The hard mass found in its stomach was supposedly an antidote for toxins (in Farsi, “Bezoar” means “protect from poison.”) The ibex still exists, distinguishable from a regular goat by its superlong horns.

6. Sheep. Humans kept sheep for nearly three millennia before anyone had the brilliant idea to use their wool. Nearly 11,000 years ago in Mesopotamia, they were bred from three different subspecies of the ramlike mouflon, but were only used for milk and mutton. Today, thanks to centuries of selective breeding, domestic sheep don’t shed annually like their wild cousins did. If they’re not sheared by a human, their fleece will grow forever. In fact, a New Zealand hseep named Shrek avoided shearing for six years by hiding in caves. When the walking marshmallow was finally trimmed, he produced enough wool to make 20 suits. —CC— We “old geezers” are right on many things, especially when it comes to marriage. Need proof? Read the