Quote of the Week: “When you are dead, you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for the others. It is the same when you are stupid.”

Todd and Jedd Hofer are the sons of Reverend Del Hofer. They grew up in church and have witnessed many unusual events over the years.

They wrote that one of their favorite “jobs” at church was leading Junior Church. (Motto: “If our kids aren’t civilized enough to sit quietly for one hour, send ‘em to us!”) Our program embraces kids of almost all ages. Anyone not in a diaper is welcome.

We try to do more than baby-sit our church’s beloved little ankle-biters during their time in our special junior church facility (also known as “the unfinished basement”). We aim to give them a solid background in biblical history. And we hold ourselves accountable. At the end of each year, we give the kids pencils and paper, shoot them with tranquilizer darts, and ask them to chronicle what they have learned. (Of course, we’re kidding about shooting our little curtain-monkeys with tranquilizer darts. It’s much easier to mix the stuff in with their Kool-Aid.)

This assignment never fails to elicit some intriguing responses. We’re amazed at how much we can teach kids about the Bible in only a few short months. In case you’re a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world. He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars. After that people couldn’t live forever and stuff. God said He was just going to let nature take its course.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check. Then it poured for forty days and forty nights. Next, Noah sent a dove out to find the Olive Garden and check if it was still under water.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat. Joseph thought he was going to be a great leader, but his brothers said, “In your dreams buddy!”

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Hesston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. After God helped the Israel Lights escape, He fed them every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His top ten Commandments. These include don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s bottom (the Bible uses a bad word for bottom that I’m not supposed to say. But my Dad uses it sometimes when he talks about the President). Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua which is also my cousin Joshua’s name.

Anyway, Joshua was the first Bible guy to use spies. He sent them to spy on the enemy, but they almost got caught. Luckily, Rehab the Protestant helped them escape. Joshua fought the battle of Genital and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. (But when I use my slingshot on my cat I always get in trouble. PS: I didn’t kill my cat, but I almost put her eye out) But David wasn’t all good. He did a bad thing by spying on a woman named Sheba while she was taking a bath. (My mom says I shouldn’t bother her while she’s taking a bath and that I should just go watch cartoons or something)

David had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. The New Testament was about 2,000 years old, so I’m not sure it should be called “new” anymore. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn? It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”) Also, Jesus was born on Christmas Day, so I feel a little sorry for Him, having His birthday so close to Christmas and all.

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him. He later died of apostate cancer.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyway, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.