Light snow better than no snow

The recent pathetic attempt to arrange for our first snowstorm of the thus-far mild winter conjures up all kinds of memories about adventures in the snow, some pleasant and some not so much. After 75 years in the work force, I can appreciate the attention to detail. Ho! Ho! Ho! We received about 2 inches of snow yesterday and: 8:00 a.m.: I made a snowman. 8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn›t make a snow woman.

8:15 - So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman’s voluptuous chest saying it objectified women everywhere.

8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snowmen instead. 8:22 - The transgender man.. women... person asked why I didn’t just make one snow person with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and are not used to decorate snow figures.

8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:30 - I used food coloring to make one of the snow couple a different color and be more racially inclusive. 8:37 - Then accused of using a black face on the snowperson.

8:39 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be completely covered. 8:40 - The police arrived saying someone had been offended.

8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 - The ‘council on equality’ officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied “Snowballs” and am now a sexist. 9:00 - I was on the news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding that I be arrested. 9:45 - The boss called and fired me because of the negative association with work that had been all over social media. 10:00 - I cry into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a snowman...Moral: There ain’t no moral to this story. It is what this world has become because of a bunch of snowflakes.

REPORTERS INTERVIEWING a 104-yearold woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. She simply replied, “No peer pressure. The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.” THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. I had amnesia once -- or maybe twice. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free? They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

RULES FOR ALL AGES: Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway. My theory on aging is two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken? “Every day I strive to disprove the expert’s theories of aging.”