Warning: Loony Labels

By guest columnist Richard Lederer

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels nowadays, lest they get sued. In the 21st century, people actually filed lawsuits against McDonald's and other fast-food chains claiming that what they ate in those establishments made them fat in the waist, weak in the heart and clogged in the arteries. For years these unsuspecting customers have been wandering into these restaurants thinking that they served health food. These poor patrons have been receiving hamburgers and French fries instead of celery stalks and carrot sticks. Frivolous lawsuits are a boon for devious lawyers and warning-label writers. To protect the public from injury 'and themselves from lawsuits 'many manufacturers include warning labels on their products. Some of these labels alert consumers to unimaginable dangers:

On a package of five-inch fishing lures: Harmful if swallowed.

On a Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.

On a Zippo lighter: Do not ignite in face.

On a Pop-Tart box: Filling may be hot when heated.

On a package of Nytol sleeping aids: May cause drowsiness.

On a 12-inch-high storage rack for compact discs: Do not use as a ladder.

On a snow sled: Sled may develop high speed under certain snow conditions.

On a package of frozen food: Defrost your frozen dinner before eating.

On a lawn mower: When motor is running, the blade is turning.

On a bottle of spray paint: Do not spray in your face.

On a container of salt: Warning: High in sodium.

On a Eureka vacuum cleaner: Caution: Assemble the cleaner before using.

On a package containing a rubber ball: Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.

On a fireplace log: Caution 'Risk of fire.

On a public toilet: Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.

On a package of dishwasher liquid: Do not allow children to play in the dishwater.

On a baby stroller: Remove child before folding.

On a neck wrap designed to be heated in a microwave: Do not microwave while on body.

On a container of pepper spray: May irritate eyes.

On a laser printer cartridge: Do not eat toner.

On a package of rock garden materials: Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth.

On a carpenter's electric router: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

On a blanket: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.

On a curling iron: This product can bum eyes.

On a coffee cup: Caution: Hot beverages are hot!

On a toilet bowl cleaning brush: Do not use orally.

On a snowblower: Do not use blower on roof.

In the manual for a microwave oven: Do not use for drying pets.

On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets: Warning: Do not use if you have prostate problems.

On the back of a cardboard windshield, for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked: Please remove before driving.