Quote of the Week… “The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can’t even remember her first husband.”

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Since most of the coverage has been on the coronavirus, you may have missed some of the other “major” stories…

• David Ostrom, 40, and his ex-wife, Bridgette Ostrom, 38, have been tussling over custody and visitation issues and property taxes for some time, but a frustrated David, of Paola, Kansas, has come up with a unique way of settling their differences. He has challenged his ex, of Harlan, Iowa, and her attorney, Matthew Hudson, to a trial by combat and asked the Iowa District Court in Shelby County to let them “resolve our disputes on the field of battle, legally,” the Des Moines Register reported. In court documents, Ostrom claims such a trial “has never been explicitly banned or restricted as a right in these United States.” Ostrom also asked for 12 weeks to secure some Japanese samurai swords. Hudson, for his part, argued that the fight could end in a death, and “such ramifications likely outweigh those of property tax and custody issues.” At press time, the court had not ruled on the motions.

• The National Weather Service expanded its coldweather warnings in South Florida to include falling iguanas along with falling temperatures. According to the Associated Press, the NWS alerted folks that the reptiles can become stunned by the cold and fall from their perches in trees. As temperatures rise during the day, they wake up, unharmed. Males can grow to 5 feet long and weigh 20 pounds. They aren’t considered to be dangerous to humans (unless they land on your head).

• A. Janus Yeager, 49, of Dixon, Ill., was arrested on July 9 as she motored toward home with an inflated kiddie pool on the roof of her SUV. CBS2 Chicago reported that Dixon police officers pulled Yeager over after being alerted that there were two children in the pool. Yeager told police she took the pool to a friend’s house to inflate it, then had her daughters ride inside it “to hold it down on their drive home.” Yeager was charged with two counts of endangering the health or life of a child and two counts of reckless conduct.

• The Times of India reports that Soni Devi, 20, of Vaishali District, petitioned the state women’s commission for divorce from her husband of two years, Manish Ram, 23, complaining, “My husband stinks as he won’t shave and bathe for nearly 10 days at a stretch. Moreover, he doesn’t brush his teeth. He also doesn’t have manners and follow etiquette. Kindly rid me of this man; he has ruined my life.” Commission member Pratima Sinha told the Times, “I was taken aback by her silly reasons,” but nonetheless, the commission will give the husband “two months’ time to mend his ways. If his behavior is not found satisfactory even after that, we will refer the matter to the family court for separation.” Manish reportedly promised to “mend his ways.”

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Raymond Lesser has compiled a list of what he believes everyone needs….and what we would actually settle for…. What we need: Companionship

What we settle for: Sitting on the couch with our phones watching a social media stream featuring 12 pictures of our cousin’s cat, a post about the latest rock idol who died, and the 147th opportunity to give a dollar to billionaire Tom Steyer’s Presidential campaign.

What we need: Nurturing

What we settle for: A quarterly job evaluation complementing us for improving personal productivity by 2.6 percent (as measured by bots built into our personal productivity software). Also, that nice comment the manager made, “Thanks for clearing your jar of Kimchi out of the office fridge. I think it was triggering Martha’s morning sickness.”

What we need: Inclusion

What we settle for: An invitation to participate in the 10K to raise money for the neighborhood school to buy new pencil sharpeners and repair their mimeograph machine.

What we need: Healthy Food

What we settle for: Going to dinner at our sister’s who’s on a weird diet and only eats raw turnips, parsnips, beef jerky and Kimchi.

What we need: Eight Hours of Sound Sleep

What we settle for: Staying up much too late watching a documentary about the polar ice caps melting and waking four hours later in a puddle of spilled diet soda with our shoulder numb from rolling over on the channel changer.

What we need: Honesty

What we settle for: A sincere (written) apology from that roommate who moved to Thailand two years after our bicycle mysteriously disappeared from the garage, never to be seen again. He apparently borrowed it one night, got drunk, and then forgot where it was. And no, he doesn’t offer to buy a new one. But he does ask if we wouldn’t mind shipping him that box of stuff that he left in our closet.

What we need: Fun and Games

What we settle for: Watching Wheel of Fortune and then the evening Lotto drawing (lost again) and then playing Angry Birds on our phone until the pizza delivery guy shows up.

What we need: Spontaneity

What we settle for: Impulse shopping on the internet, followed closely by standing in a long line at the post office to return the green polka dot sweater vest that seemed so irresistible last week.

What we need: Celebration

What we settle for: Our mother calling (and waking) us at 6 a.m. so that she can be the first to sing the “Happy Birthday” song.

What we need: To Be Surrounded by Plants and Nature

What we settle for: A saguaro cactus, since every other indoor plant we’ve ever owned has died because we forgot to water it or the cat knocked it off the table. The saguaro, like us, is a survivor.

What we need: Creativity and Challenge

What we settle for: The challenge of successfully recreating the Mickey Mouse pancake that our kid loved when we went out to eat at the local diner, only to have junior fling it onto the floor because we used a raspberry for Mickey’s nose and he has decided that he now hates raspberries.

What we need: A Regular Exercise Routine

What we settle for: Running up and down the stairs several times a day searching for our phone, our wallet, or our kid’s other shoe.

What we need: Adventure and Discovery

What we settle for: A trip to several junkyards with Grandpa to help him find and buy a new starter motor and carburetor for his old Pontiac, only to discover when we get back to his place that “I guess I must have sold that car last spring.”

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It seems like the older I get the more trouble I have with my cell phone and the tv remote. I am thankful I have grandkids to solve my problems.

Whether it’s downloading a new ringtone on your phone or uploading the latest software onto your tablet, knowing which button to click and when seems to be something that even a preschooler can master. So, why is it so tough for us seniors?

We can console ourselves with the fact that our very own cell phone has more computer power than all of NASA had available back in 1969— when they successfully landed two men on the moon. But, somehow it seems that the bigger the hard drives and faster the internet speed we have available to us, the smaller our own brain power is and slower we are to catch on to what millennials seem to have hard-wired into their brains.

Let’s be honest. We can’t even remember our own passwords, let alone how to realign the wireless printer or operate the four remotes we need just to turn on the TV. But, just think about how much has changed since we were kids. TVs grew skinnier, while we expanded. Computers went from taking up entire rooms to residing on our desk, then our lap, then our phone (which moved from the wall into our pocket), and even onto our wrist. We have cars that can park themselves—and even drive themselves. We’re living in a science fiction film from our youth!

But, some days, it feels more like a horror film. Just as we approach the age where we’ve gained a true appreciation for the joys of elastic waist pants and no make-up, video chatting comes into fashion. Now, we need to schedule an appointment with our hairstylist before we schedule a time to chat with our extended family Of course, if we could take a decent selfie, we could stay in touch through social media. How kids can fit an entire group of their friends on the screen of their phone, while the only photo we can get is of our left eye and jiggly jowl remains a mystery. Apparently, the older we get the more our arms tend to resemble those of a T-Rex.

Yet, there is good news. If the internet goes down, we still have a life. We own books with actual pages, powered solely by our imaginations. We know how to play cards with an actual deck and bowl with a real ball, instead of a video controller. We know how to load real film into a camera. We could even manage to operate a typewriter or a phone with a dial on it, if push came to shove. While it’s true that in this digital world, sometimes our mental computing system is as slow as old-fashioned dial-up, we can console ourselves with the fact that we aren’t obsolete. We’re vintage chic.

(Reprinted from the book: “So That’s Where I Put That”)