Building Family Trust
My wife and I recently watched a documentary about the British royal family in the years just before World War II. The Duke of Windsor had been made King but then abdicated his throne because he wanted to marry an American divorcee named Wallis Simpson. His younger brother, Bertie, was then crowned King George and shortly thereafter Britain was plunged into war with Nazi Germany.
The Duke of Windsor was suspected of being a Nazi sympathizer and in a meeting with King George, the British General Ironside asked the King “Can we trust your brother?” After a long pause George replied, “No.”
Ah, family trust. Not the kind you create by going to a lawyer and signing legal documents. Family trust is harder to create than that. It takes step by step work over a long time.
The Gottman Institute in Seattle has five suggestions for creating marital trust and these same five also apply to the entire family. Here they are:
Make trustworthiness a priority in your relationship. I haven’t heard this expression in many years but its truth rings loudly today: Practice what you preach.” Live authentically and intentionally. Don’t assume you should be trusted. Prove it by doing what you say. Showing up when expected. Keeping your promises, big and small.
Act to maximize each of your family members’ well-being. All of us are inclined to look out for our own interests. It seems built into the human DNA as early as a toddler grabs a toy and defiantly shouts “Mine!” It takes a purposeful reorientation of this self interest to look, first and foremost, to your family member’s well being. If your family knows you have their back and you aren’t just looking out for number 1, they will trust you more.
Realize that trust is built and strengthened by small positive moments. Some once said “Big opportunities to serve seldom come along but small ones arrive every day. When you fail to follow through on a promise made to a family member you may defend yourself by saying “It wasn’t that big a deal.” But trust is built on little deals, day after day.
Avoid negative comparisons. When I was younger there was a comedy duo called The Smothers Brothers. Dickie and Tommie. One of their most frequent laugh generators was when Dickie scowled at Tommie and said “Mom always like you best.” When our family is striped with negative comparisons or favoritism seeps in, family trust is undermined. Eliminate negative and elevate positive comparisons.
· Cherish each of your family members’ positive qualities. This one goes along with elevating positive comparisons. Do your family members know you are genuinely proud of them? How will they know unless you tell them? In words and in specifics. “You’re a great kid” is a nice thing to utter but “I really admire how you always show generosity to others” is a 20 on a scale of 10 for affirmations.
You may be thinking “These suggestions seem small. If trust is so important to preserve and hard to build it should be much more difficult.” But the good news is building trust is both harder and easier than we think. Just do what you say you’re going to do. Your seeds of action will reap a harvest of trust.