HOW SMART ARE YOU?

If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just read the following actual quotes and you’ll begin to think you’re a genius.

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama’s Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

”Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” —Mariah Carey “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”

--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”

--Mayor Marion Barry Washington, DC.

“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” --A congressional candidate in Texas “Half this game is ninety percent mental.” -- Danny Ozark Philadelphia Phillies manager “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” --Al Gore, Vice President “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix . . .” --Dan Quayle “We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” --Lee Iacocca “The word ‘genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” --Colonel Gerald Wellman ROTC Instructor.

“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 2020 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.”

--Department of Social Services Greenville, South Carolina “Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.”

--Keppel Enderbery “If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” --Mark S. Fowler FCC Chairman Feeling smarter yet?

—CC—

Brazilian Soldiers by Call Schatte, Wimberley, Texas . . .

The Dept. of Defense briefed the president this morning; they told Biden that two Brazilian soldiers were killed in Ukraine. To everyone’s concern, all the color drained from Biden’s face. Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears. Finally, he composed himself and asked, “Just how many is a brazilian?”

This is particularly appropriate since he obviously has no understanding of a trillion or billion either.

—CC—

We always enjoy hearing from our good friend Tom Adams. He is a great writer. The following is one of my favorites . . .

THE VACATION THAT WASN’T MEANT TO BE When I lived in Bridgeport, Texas (19801986) I subscribed to the Fort Worth Star Telegram. It had a daily humor column written by George Dolan. Mr. Dolan wrote some humorous and amusing tales and my regret is that I did not save any of them for future use. The following is one that I remember rather well and hope that you will find it as amusing as I did.

It seems there was once a middle-aged couple whom I shall call John and Mary who owned a small cattle ranch in Parke County near Weatherford. They had never taken an extended vacation or a real long trip, although they always wanted to, due to the responsibility of running the ranch. As they approached their senior years they determined that if they were ever going to see the country they needed to do it soon. Otherwise they could simply forget about it.

They put their cattle up for sale and soon found a buyer for them. Then John bought a camper shell to fit his pickup truck in order to save motel and eating bills. John had always wanted to visit the Northwest part of the U.S. and this was decided upon as their first venture.

Finally the big day arrived; the cattle buyer sent his trucks out to pick up the cattle and John and Mary began to pack the camper, as they wanted to get started early the next morning. After a busy morning of helping load the cattle John retuned home around noon to eat lunch.

While they were eating, John suggested that they start as soon as they finished since there were several hours of daylight left, to which Mary agreed. They soon finished packing, locked up their house and started on a northwesterly route for fun and adventure. After driving about two hours, John said he was tired. Mary suggested that he turn the driving over to her and get some sleep in the bed in back.

John stripped to his underwear, got in bed and in a short time was sleeping soundly. When he awoke he did not know how long he had slept or where they were at. Also, he was puzzled to not that the camper was stopped. He opened the back door, stepped down on the step to see if he could get his bearings. Mary was stopped at a red light. At that moment the light turned green, Mary sped off and John came tumbling out onto the street in his underwear.

Now he begins running down the street waving his arms and yelling as loud as he could. But Mary was not looking back and left him in her dust. About this time, a couple of Highway Patrolmen pulled up beside him wondering what was going on. He hurriedly informed them of the situation and they told John to hop in the back seat and they would catch Mary.

In a few minutes they had overtaken her. The driver pulled up beside her and honked the horn. Mary looked to her left, saw the car with John in the back seat in his underwear and promptly fainted. The camper slowed down, ran off the road, and came to a halt after hitting a telephone pole. The two lawmen ran to look after Mary while John ran to the camper to get his clothes. Mary revived shortly, John put on his clothes and they all had a good visit and laugh.

John said he was as hungry as a horse and asked if there was a good steakhouse in the area. The lawmen replied that there was one about two miles on down the road. John asked if they had eaten, and if not, invited them to eat with Mary and him. While enjoying a good meal together, Mary noticed that John had not completed his dressing; his fly was open. She discreetly informed John of the situation, John, just as discreetly, zipped up not knowing that he had caught a corner of the tablecloth in the zipper.

In a few minutes the patrolmen said they had to get back on duty, said their goodbyes and left. John and Mary finished their coffee, the waitress came with the bill, John got up to pay and took the tablecloth with him dumping a table full of dishes, cutlery and assorted items on the tile floor. John told Mary to not say a word, go and get in the camper, then took out his pocketknife and cut the offending tablecloth out of his zipper, paid the bill, walked to the camper, got in the driver’s seat, made a 180 degree turn and headed back down the road they had come over an hour ago.

They arrived back at the ranch about the time the sun was coming up. That morning John took the camper shell back to the dealer and told the salesman to sell it for him for whatever he could get.

Mr. Dolen ended his story by saying that it had been a considerable time between John and Mary’s return and his writing of it but they had not seen any of the Northwestern part of the United States and it was highly unlikely that they ever would. Thanks Tom!

—CC—

SMILE FOR THE

WEEK

When Joe Wilson finished college and joined his father in a small family-owned business, Mr. Wilson was overjoyed. “It will be good to have some aggressive young management around the place,” he said. “Your continued Page first duty as my new partner is to replace the sign out front with one of those father-andson signs—you know the kind.” “Yes, I know just what we need,” Joe said. Later he invited his father out to inspect the new sign.

Mr. Wilson was speechless for a moment. Then he chuckled and said, “Now that’s what I call real aggressive young management.” The sign read: JOE C. WILSON & FATHER.